Rating Headlines: The Giants/Patriots Super Bowl!

By: Mike Hanus

Really, what were the odds Oakland didn't make the Super Bowl this year? They were pretty much a lock. I guess crazier things have happened.

Anyway, this is the start of a semi-regular column about sports websites and their headlines. Starting today, I'll be posting one of these within a week of the aftermath of a huge sporting event (tennis Grand Slams, the Super Bowl, the World Cup Finals, etc). The goal here is to criticize really highly paid website editors for not making their headline really exciting or using pun abilities to their fullest extent. Headlines are important! They're exciting, and they pull readers in, and they offer a chance for an editor to do some really cool creative wordplay. There really is nothing better than a sweet headline pun.

As such, there will be a very rigorously tested and objective scoring system. Headlines can earn up to 5 points in each of the following categories:

Originality (how many other people are doing this?)

Pun-tastic (Is there a pun? Is it great?)

Epic (Does the headline sum up how awesome whatever the event was?)

So let's start slow. We'll take Sports Illustrated for Kids.

Ouch. What was this, written for 10 year olds? What was this, written by 10 year olds? This is about as weak as it gets. Even the picture is the back of someone's head! This is going in the wrong direction, amirite? Anyway, on to the scoring:

Originality: I'm tempted to give some points here, because this is so completely basic I'm not sure anyone has actually done it. 1/5

Pun-tastic: Nothing to see here. 0/5

Epic: Actually I'm liking the all caps and that big ol' exclamation point. Note to any sport pretty much only played/cared about in a single country - call it the "world" championship. 4/5

Total: 5/15

 Next up is AOL Sporting News. What is this? Eli looks like his raising a glass to salute that not-really-funny-but-mostly-awkward toast a drunk Peyton just made at his wedding. Ehhh, we're all happy right? "Giants do it again" - did they even try?


Originality: 0/5
Pun-tastic: 0/5
Epic: The only thing worse would be ending it with a period, or maybe a giant frowny face. Was the editor a Pats fan? Was he clutching his gun shot wounds, waiting for the ambulance to arrive? 0/5
Total: 0/15

Alright, now we're getting a little better, CBS Sports. In this one Eli only looks like he's checking out his reflection in that bad boy. Maybe I'm an idiot, but I wouldn't know what the Four was referring too if it wasn't in the caption.


Originality: Not bad, 4/5
Pun-tastic: Our first pun! Nice and simple, gets to the point, 3/5
Epic: I think a little more capitals or exclamation points would be nice, but it lets the (sweet) picture speak for itself. 3/5
Total: 10/15

So these next two are both from ESPN, this first one here taken the night of the Super Bowl, the next one taken on Monday. Now we're talking; the ESPN guys usually get into it. Can I write a separate blog about Eli's strained smiles? Is he getting his prostate checked?


Originality: I'd have to look up stuff for when the San Francisco Giants won the World Series, but I like this. There are like three real things you can make puns out of, Eli, Giant and Blue, but a surprising few went with Giant. 4/5
Pun-tastic: I like it! Also because it's about the whole team, not just Eli. 4/5
Epic: Yessss! All caps (epic) good pun (epic) has the word giant in it (large things are epic) 4/5
Total: 12/15

Eli, did someone in your 5th grade class just puke? Are you about to be sick? All the other kids look grossed out too.


Originality: Seen the eli/elite a few times elsewhere, still pretty cool. 2/5
Pun-tastic: Really great pun, but let's make this all about Eli, eh? 4/5
Epic: All caps wins my heart every time. Plus I'm thinking the Elites would make a better team name than the Giants anyway. 4/5
Total: 10/15

 From Fox Sports: Eli-able! I love this! And it's not a picture of Eli holding the trophy. Major bonus points. I was hoping Old Reliable would be like, another sister geyser to Old Faithful, but this is sadly not true. 


Originality: 5/5
Pun-tastic: 5/5
Epic: Caps + Exclamation Point - trying to make the word "old" exciting = 3/5
Bonus points for Eli air quotes (2)
Total: 15/15

Also Fox Sports...Encore?
Originality: 0/5
Pun-tastic: 0/5
Epic: Eh. 2/5
Total: 2/15

One of my favorite Eli smiles. He either looks like he was just laughing at a joke, and then saw a dog die, or he is thinking something very naughty. Haven't we learned our lesson about all caps, NFL.com?

Originality: I like this headline, but could I have thought of it? Probably. 3/5

Pun-tastic: 3/5

Epic: if this said GIANT AMONG MEN how much better would that be? It looks like they just stopped writing in the middle of a sentence. 1/5

Total: 7/15

I included this one from NBC Sports  just because it's so close to so many things: "Eli-te Status Secure" being a sick headline. One sticking out of a thumb to hail a cab.

 This is the best (read: happiest) I think Eli looks in all of these. A Deja Blue? Why didn't I think of that! But saying "all over again" after deja vu just means "all over again all over again," and that's silly. Yahoo


Originality: 3/5 (see below)
Pun-tastic: Love it love it love it. 5/5
Epic: The "all over again" kills this. 2/5
Total: 10/15 [Ed: "Deja vue all over again" is a Yogi Berra reference, so +1]

Ah, Sports Illustrated. I guess the intern was in charge of the kid's website because this one ROCKS. It has it all, a picture of the most important play, it's action filled, the headline is huge and loud and an amazing pun, this thing just jumps off the screen.


Originality: 3/5 (see above)
Pun-tastic: 5/5
Epic: 6/5. DEJA BLUE. They just throw it down and walk away. How sick is that? Even those accent marks look fierce. And this is the only picture that shows someone other than Eli!
Bonus points: Because this really shouldn't lose to "Old Eliable:" 2
Total: 16/15